It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
i hate you platonically
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Guy who likes music
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.