It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My wedding will be open casket.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before