It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.