It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

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3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!


I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.


Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.


“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”


If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger



Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now


You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women


I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account

“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”

I said, “Piggy”