@HousewifeOfHell

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

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@3sunzzz

[Walmart]

3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!

@UnFitz

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

@Rollmaninoz

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

@Soren_Ltd

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

@AndrewNadeau0

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

@T_Bonezzz_

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

@LeBearGirdle

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

@DaNaLa13

You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women

@iGreenMonk

I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account

“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”

I said, “Piggy”