@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

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@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

@literalporn

WHITE PEOPLE COLONIZED AND ENSLAVED THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF SPICES AND DIDN’T USE A DAMN ONE

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@Darlainky

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

@Aredubbleyou

I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.

@herprettybones

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@UnfilteredMama

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@Vodkantots

I never said that I hated you!

All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.