@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

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@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@StephenKing

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

@robdelaney

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

@Robert_Beau

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@Douchekevin

If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I’d totally be expecting some change back.

@LindzThoughts

Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”

@SortaBad

A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent

@Lexi__Alexandra

My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.