It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.