Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
You Might Also Like
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
looks legit
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Running from your problems is cardio .
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA