It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
channeling her this year
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*checks Timeline*…
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
this is how life feels
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent