@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

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@pplwtching

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@matt___nelson

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@1BigMick

My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.

@MelvinofYork

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*