It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?