It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.