It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV


[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*


I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.


Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.


I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”


“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation


If you are looking for a bad girl, I have been known to shop at the art supply store on days they aren’t having a sale…


My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that’s kinda neat.