@VikramParalkar

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

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@Reverend_Scott

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

@ComedicBust

I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

@FeelsLike2sday

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@sofarrsogud

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

@Social_Mime

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

@rebrafsim

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not