It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

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Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.


I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.


Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?


In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.


Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew


ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?


*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.


I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.


Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not