@VikramParalkar

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

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@NurseMurderer

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@Gupton68

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

@CorkyCrash

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@senderblock23

“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation

@poizngrl

If you are looking for a bad girl, I have been known to shop at the art supply store on days they aren’t having a sale…

@heatherlou_

My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that’s kinda neat.