me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.