It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.