I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…