“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
You Might Also Like
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
can’t talk my ride’s here
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.