its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.