You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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Carpe DM
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day