@YourAnMoron

It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.

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@kwirkyKerri

Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.

@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

@McNarstle

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

@TwinSurvivalist

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

@JasonLastname

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

@DaddyJew

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

@ComedicBust

New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2

@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.