It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.

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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”


him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move


Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case


SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.


No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.


[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]


[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!


daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there


I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.