@YourAnMoron

It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.

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@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@sofarrsogud

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

@ajax06

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

@Reverend_Scott

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

@TweetPotato314

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

@TheHyyyype

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.