Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
8yo: can you tell me a story?
Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.
Me: goodnight, buddy.
Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.