According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”