@iRowlf

It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

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@itsallbollocks

my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*

@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

@SergioValenCo

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

@dubstep4dads

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

@LizerReal

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

@goonxiety

Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.

@AmericanGent69

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.