@iRowlf

It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

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@SteussieErica

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

@AndrewChamings

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

@TweetPotato314

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

@Tdf41

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

@girlnarly

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

@HansGrubertron

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

@TheMichaelRock

8yo: can you tell me a story?

Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.

8yo: WHAT?!

Me: goodnight, buddy.

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.