It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

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Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*


Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.


I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video


one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops


[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though


“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.


Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.


She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?