my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*
It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
I’ll be there Kyle I have so many questions.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.