Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The future is now.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?