It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.