Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese