@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

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@robwhisman

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

@AndrewNadeau0

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

@Cheeseboy22

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

@GoodPoliticGuy

this headline from Australia is honestly the most accurate one I’ve seen so far

@AnOrangeSNES

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

@CampbellxEmma

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

@TheDailySchmuck

Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.

Me: Are you Italian, my brother?

Him: No.

Me: Then no more pizza for you.

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

@murrman5

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??