It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
You Might Also Like
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
*me flirting
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.