It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

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if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.


Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.


this headline from Australia is honestly the most accurate one I’ve seen so far


In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.


Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity


Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.

Me: Are you Italian, my brother?

Him: No.

Me: Then no more pizza for you.


the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes


When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.


[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??