its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.