“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
How do you milk an almond?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?