It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Erm I’m gonna say no
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah