Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Not😆🤣
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no