@xJLynn

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

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@SortaBad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

@ch000ch

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

@xxsomebunnyxx

A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’

@matt___nelson

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

@liv_thatsme

Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.

@WeekendTwitr

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

@Donnie_Fairburn

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

@JJSummertime

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

@DrawingShadows

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.