If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
“Son, hey son”
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.