It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.


My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.


“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000


Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.


Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated


today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born