It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
kitchen magnet
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
crochet youtube is brutal
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die