It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.