I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You Might Also Like
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I love you…
…r dog.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.