It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot