@ShesAllNat

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

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@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@Dash_of_Crazy

My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.

It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.

@rolldiggity

Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@sixfootcandy

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

@liv_thatsme

Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.

@david8hughes

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

@SimplySnaccbar

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.