Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”
Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.
It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.
Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.