Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Pat is about to own someone
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
two people or more is called a problem
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees