It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.