Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”