It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.