@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

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@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@AngryRaccoon2

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

@DiscoFruit

[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

@nikkithecanuck

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

@dlsims01

Invitations: $10
Cupcakes: $15
Facility rental: $100

Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless

Math of a mother

@DitzMcGeee

beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.