It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.