It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.

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For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours


[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.


*walks up to counter at funeral home*

EMPLOYEE: Can I help you?

ME: Hi, yes, I’ll take one death, please.


If I want my child’s attention I’ll just peacefully enjoy myself for a few minutes until my name is called


Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.


[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”


This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.


*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*


Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*