For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*walks up to counter at funeral home*
EMPLOYEE: Can I help you?
ME: Hi, yes, I’ll take one death, please.
If I want my child’s attention I’ll just peacefully enjoy myself for a few minutes until my name is called
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”
A hipster so cool he is reading a tree
This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.
*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*