Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
be careful
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out