It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Just as the prophecy foretold
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
this is uni
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*