It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
You Might Also Like
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Lmfaoooooo