It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.