@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

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@Queen_Sassy_AF

*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.

@FredTaming

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@ericonederful

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

@le_buns

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

@HeyitsLori

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

@PinkCamoTO

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

@BlindChow

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN