Him: Favorite animal?
Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.
It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.
It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
OH DEAR GOD RUN