President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”
Friend: “My birthday”
My friend and I:
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?
me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.