It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
house sitting!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.