@fuzzlime

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

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@aka_fatman

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

@Abdithugger

Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I:

@murrman5

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

@vrunt

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@jharden21

teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!

@bornmiserable

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.