@jackmackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

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@PortRooster

Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

@daddydoubts

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

@Dawn_M_

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

@Steelers1972

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@DopeyMeme

Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone

@offbeatoliv

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined