It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

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Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”


2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.


Me: okay.


Me: okayyyyyyy.


[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules


Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.


If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.


“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves


Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone


Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!


All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”


I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined