It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You Might Also Like
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
selfie game
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.