Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?
*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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2yo: daddy play with me!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
Emailing teachers be like
Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*
Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined