It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
You Might Also Like
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.