First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Software Development ⛵️
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.