it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
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My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
seems like a niche market
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it