Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
[putting kid to bed]
Me: I love you
6 half asleep: I love french fries
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?