it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
barbara was highly relatable
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one