It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”