It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

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So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.


A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

According to my calculations I should have died in 1812


Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs


To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.


[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?


[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”


Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon


I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.


[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”