So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?
My fortune cookie read “End of roll. Replace”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]