It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
💁🏻♂️
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I want to meet the individual who made this
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”