It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
You Might Also Like
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Ion see the issue
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
this article brought to you by lions
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*