@GhantaGuy

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

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@BigOlBossman

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

@KeetPotato

[emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?

@P_o_n_k

INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.

@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@bea_ker

Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

@alexandraerin

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

@blacksab67

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.