It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My life coach traded me.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
mom gave me mine for free
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.