It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Unimpressed
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.