@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

- @TaylorComedy

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@blitz2six

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

@joshfadem

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

@TheCatWhisprer

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

@Tmoney68

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

@caseytduncan

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

@MissHavisham

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

@jjmick45

I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA

@LuvPug

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.