It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

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Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger

CDC: desist please


Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.


People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”


Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?


*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*


<enter password>
<password is weak>
<password is feeling a little better>


*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?


I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.


I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.


ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band