@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

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@leifromloihi

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@SteussieErica

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

@ashleycrem

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

@mommywhitfield

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@JoshuaHvr

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

@TheSadnesses

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

@kingstonwrites

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.