[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*
This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.