@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

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@TuSoonShakur

Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger

CDC: desist please

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@Sean_Burgundy_

People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”

@kaytaa

Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

@IamPhartacus

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

@NicCageMatch

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

@SweetTweetsBRO

I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band