Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
They got Raph!
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Breaking news:
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it