It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You Might Also Like
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”